Me:  Aaawww… How sweet.  He’s a good kid.  He loves you the most.

Mother:  Well, actually, he said that it is because I am doing the laundry for everybody and all the chores around the house.  They feel so comfortable that they don’t need to lift a finger at home.  He even suggested that I do his homework too.

Me:  Too bad I live so far away from you.  Otherwise, you can take care of my stuff too, and in return, I’ll always pray for you to live FOREVER.

Mee2 | sahmrambles.blogspot.com
…
And I think your mom would absolutely LOVE a tattoo of you on her arm. Totally.

Hi Mee2,

Thank YOU!!!  I really appreciate your comment.  I just thought giving her a tattoo of my face on her arm was a nice touch as a Mother’s Day gift.  Originally, I was thinking that she put it on her chest.  But then it will be weird because every time she wants to see me, she has to pull down her clothes.  What if she wants to look at me at a bus stop?  Maybe the general public is not ready for this kind of behavior yet, although she is just missing her son and wants to take a look at his adorable face.  Besides, err…, this is probably too much information, her boobies continue to sag.  She is 70 after all.  I am afraid it will change my good looks and make my face look longer every day.  I certainly don’t want to look like a horse or Sarah Jessica Parker.  Either way, it’s the same thing.

5.  An inexpensive vacuum cleaner.

My mom doesn’t like fancy stuff.  She certainly doesn’t want me to spend $500 on a Dyson.  So a cheap one will do.  That way she can clean to her heart’s content every day.

4.  Weight Loss Kit for Dummies book.

She’s always concerned about her weight.  I really think this idea will hit the jackpot.  She’ll know what to eat and do every day to lose her belly fat.

3.  A tattoo of my face on her arm.

She will know how much I love her and she gets to look at my cute face every day.  Plus, the tattoo artist told me that she’d give her a free naval piercing too.  I TOTALLY think my 70-year-old mother will look HAWT with the new tattoo and the naval piercing.

2.  Edible panties.

You know, sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night and you just need a little something to snack on.  But then you have to drag yourself all the way downstairs and raid the refrigerator.  I think that’s too much for my 70-year-old mother.  She can put on the edible panties before she goes to bed.  When she wakes up in the middle of the night, she never has to get out of the bed at all to find food.  The food is right on her body.

1.  A pregnancy test kit.

Safe sex is always very important no matter how old you are.  But just in case things don’t go as planned.  You know, Mom is getting older and can be forgetful sometimes…

Mom:  But I like this phone.  I’ve been using it for the past 15 years.  It’s loud and clear.

Me:  If you get a cordless one, you don’t have to put me on hold when you want a cup of tea or a couple of cookies.  You can carry it anywhere and we can still talk.

Mom:  …

Me:  Mom?  Are you there?

Mom:  What a great idea!!!  Then we can talk even when I go to the bathroom.

Me:  Eeewwwww… THAT you should put me on hold.

Mom:  It’s not like you can smell anything.

Me:  Keep the old phone.  You are absolutely right.  It’s loud and clear.  There’s nothing wrong with it.  Keep it.

Me:  It actually said that your computer had virus?

Mom:  Well, it told me that my computer had virus.

Me:  It told you?  Your computer actually talked to you?

Mom:  No, not my computer.  This HUGE thing did.

Me:  What did this HUGE thing look like?

Mom:  I don’t remember.  Should I turn it on now?

Me:  Yes.  Mother.

… … …

Mom:  Look!  Here it is.

Me:  I can’t see it.  I am thousands of miles away from you.  You have to tell me what you see.

Mom:  Oh!  Hahahahaha…  This little box says that your anti-virus program may not be up-to-date.  Your computer may be at risk.  Click here to …

Me:  That’s not virus.  It’s just a reminder.  Where is this HUGE thing?

Mom:  It’s the little box I just told you about.

Me:  So now it is a little box.   Five minutes ago, it was this humongous monster living inside your computer.  You were about to have a heart attack and people were dying.

Mom:  It just seemed so much bigger last night.

Originally appeared on blogiversity.org

Me:  Just tell her that you don’t want to work any more.  Say, “I am 70 years old.  I AM ANCIENT.”

Mom:  I want a FANCY excuse that sounds good.  I don’t want to burn the bridge, you know.

Me:  What bridge?  You work there one day a week because you want to get out of the house.  What do you care?

Mom:  Just help me come up with something nice to say.

Me:  How about this?  “My son promised me that he will now give me TWENTY bucks a month, so I don’t have to work here.  Thank you.”

Mom:  Hahahahaha…  Be serious.

Me:  Just tell her that you want to quit.  You know, they must have been thinking how cruel and evil your son is to leave his poor mother working at McDonald’s at her old age.

Mom:  Now you mentioned it, that huge monthly TWENTY bucks allowance does sound like a FANCY excuse.  I think I’ll use it.

Me:  How rude!!!

Mother:  Hello?  Hellooo?  Who is this?  Why are you not speaking?

Me:  HeRRo?  It’s your son.

Mother:  Hi, how are you?  What happened?  Why didn’t you say anything?

Me:  I did.  It had to be the internet connection.  I am testing this thing called, Skype.  For ten bucks a month, I can call you any time I want and we can talk as long as we want.

Mother:  HELLOOOOOO!!!  WOO HOOO!!!!

Me:  HeRRo?  Can you hear me?

Mother:  HELLO?  Is this a joke?  Are you there?

Me:  Shit!  This is terrible.

Mother:  What shit?  What’s terrible?  What’s wrong with your phone?  Can you hear me?

Me:  Yes.  I can hear you fine.  LOUD AND CLEAR.  Did you hear what I said about Skype?

Mother:  No.  Anyway, I have breaking news for you.

Me:  OMG!!!  You are not pregnant, are you?

Mother:  Hahahahaha… How can you say this to your mother?  So, your cousin, Linda, got a call last night.  It was about her father-in-law.  He passed away.

Me:  Oh, no.

Mother:  HELLOOOOO?  WOO HOOOOO?  HEY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

Me:  YEEEEEEEEES!!!  AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!  AAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Mother:  Stop screaming!!!

Me:  I thought you couldn’t hear me.

Mother:  What kind of phone are you using?  It’s terrible.  Let me finish the story fast before I lose you again.  So, her father-in-law went to a wedding reception last night.  On his way home, after he got off the bus, he took the short cut by walking through the park to get home.  He tripped over some piece of metal, fell on a fallen cable; it was rainy and wet, and he was shocked to death instantly.

Me:  OMG!!!  That’s tragic.

Mother:  WOO HOOOO!!!  CAN YOU HEAR ME?

Me:  YEEEEEEEEEEES!!!  AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!  WWWEEEEEE!!!!  AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Mother:  I CAN’T HEAR YOU.  GET RID OF YOUR NEW PHONE.  BYE!!!