Grandma:   Silly boy.  Typhoon’s a comin!!!

Me:  Really?

Grandma:  Of course.  When the sky looks like that, just remember – Typhoon’s a comin!!!

… … … …

Several days later…

Me:   Grandma, remember you told me typhoon’s a comin’ a few days ago when the sky was sort of red, and yellow, and orange…

Grandma:   I never said such things.   The weather is very nice.  Don’t be silly.

Me:   But you did!   And…

Grandma:  Silence!  Who taught you to talk back to your grandmother?  It’s your mother, isn’t it?

… … … …

Oy…   Here we go again…

DON’T point at the moon.

Why?

Your ears will drop off.

Hahahahahaha…

Silence!  Who taught you to laugh at your grandma?  It’s your mother, isn’t it?

N…

Silence!  You will anger the goddess of the moon when you point at it.  Your ears will drop off because she is upset.

But…

No buts!!!  Now beg for forgiveness before it is too late!!!

…………………………………………….

So I think the goddess of the moon probably looks like this.  She is hungry for children’s fresh ears.

@  etsy

Me:  When I was a child, yes.  Once in a great while, my grandma would let me eat one.  She always said, “Don’t eat too many duck eggs.  They are not good for you.”  I asked, “Why?”  She said, “Don’t ask too many questions.  Just listen.”  I asked, “But I only asked this question.  Just one.”  She shouted back, “Silence!!!”

I guess that’s why Grandma would let me eat a duck egg once in a blue moon.  Ewwwwwww…  Do I have time to run out and get hit by a bus???

Seriously?

Dear Butt Master,

When I was a child, Grandma used Yellow Pages.  I asked her why we couldn’t use toilet paper like other normal people did.  She exclaimed, “WE ARE PO!!!  YELLOW PAGES ARE FREE!!!”

Today, I am finally rich.  So I use Wet Jet.  Spray and wipe.  Spray and wipe.  And it leaves very nice scent of lavender.

Some rude person answered the question unofficially and I threw up in my mouth after reading his reply.

2. Next, depending on your location, the most important step, use water.

When I am at home, I use a designated washcloth and warm water to follow-up TP use. I simply waddle (my pants are around my ankles after all) 3 steps to the sink, saturate the washcloth in warm water (which is already warm because I turned it on mid-poo), squeeze out the cloth, and wipe.

3. Rinse and Repeat until totally clean.

… … … …

If you are in a public restroom with multiple toilets and no private access to a sink with warm water, and hear me out on this, after your first wipe with TP, 1) flush it down and wait for the bowl to refill with clean water, 2) grab a handful of TP and dip it in the clean bowl to get it wet enough, 3) Follow step 3 from above.

Eeewwwwwww!!!  And I mean eeewwwwwwwww!!!

Wash cloth?  Rinse in the sink and then re-use?  And dip toilet paper in the bowl?

Let me run outside now and get hit by a bus.

“Grandma, Grandma.  I need to buy some glue for my school project.”

“Glue?  GLUE?  WE ARE PO!!!  USE RICE!!!”

@ zazzle

Me:  Grandma!  I just can’t see it.  Where is it?

Grandma:  It’s right in front you.

Me:  Where?  Where?

Grandma:  It’s right in front you.  What’s wrong with your eyes?  Shit’s covering your eyes so you can’t see?

Me:  AAARRRHHH!!!  Oh, I see it.  Hahahaha…  It’s right before me.

I always felt embarrassed, but still, the language she used.  What a rude woman!

Me:  Did the cashier give you the strange look that you were buying a pig during the pig flu pandemic?

Friend:  No.  Alex likes to put money in the piggy banks.

Me:  I remembered I had a drum piggy bank when I was a child.  My grandma got it for me on my birthday.  She even put some money in it to get me started.  Every day, I was dying to put money in it until one day I discovered the joy of shopping.

Friend:  Oh, no…

Me:  Indeed.  I really liked this hand held baseball game thing they had in the toy store.  I told EVERYBODY about it so many times, but no one would buy it for me.  That was when I realized that I had to use my own money inside the piggy bank to get it.  So, one day, I opened it up, took some money out, and put some chocolate coins back in before I went to the toy store to buy the game I’d always wanted.

Friend:  Chocolate coins?  Yummy!

Me:  I had to put something in there because my grandma was crazy.  She would shake this drum piggy bank like EVERYDAY.  I really thought she knew exactly how much money was in there just listening to how much noise it made.

Friend:  Oh, Lord.  You and your grandma…

Me:  Everything was fine until one day I made the stupidest decision.  I decided to bring the game to school to show it off.  It was one of those usual mornings when my grandma asked me to eat breakfast and I always refused.  We went back and forth at each other.  And of course, I always won.  That was when everything started to go wrong.  I picked up my book bag and the stupid game fell out.  My grandma picked it up and asked me who bought it for me.  I was dying.  I couldn’t think.  I didn’t know what to say.  And just like that, she walked over to the piggy bank and shook it.  And then, the unbelievable happened.  She did something she had never done before.  SHE OPENED THE FORBIDDEN PIGGY BANK.  OMG!!!  My death was imminent.  She dumped everything out and she saw the chocolate coins.  The next thing I knew was lots of screaming and yelling from her.  She beat the crap out of me.  I was late for school that day and the teacher asked me to stand right next to her desk for the whole class to see.  It was the worst day of my life.

Friend:  LOL…

Me:  LOL?  How rude!!!

Originally appeared on wordtoyour.com