I scheduled an appointment for Callie with the Petsmart Grooming this morning because she was in desperate need of a bath. Fortunately, they were able to squeeze her in at eleven o’clock. We arrived early because I wanted to make sure that Callie had time to walk around the parking lot and do all her business before she walked in and received her torture. She was taking a good old time as everything was new to her. There was so much for her to sniff around and she made sure she peed so many times to mark her new found land as her territory, although the last few attempts were merely one or two pathetic drips at a time. Finally, she was totally satisfied with her work and we walked inside the grooming center. An I-was-never-a-morning-person-and-will-never-be ”stylist” greeted us.
Her: Hi, how can I help you?
Me: Hi, how are ya? Callie needs a bath. She has an eleven o’clock.
Her: With a C or a K?
Rolling my eyes heavenward. Does it matter? How many doggies named Callie can you possibly have at eleven o’clock? I continued to smile.
Me: C.
Her: Let me see if I can find it.
Tick-Tuck. Tick-Tuck. Tick-Tuck. Like a virgin. Touched for the very first time. Like a vir er er er gin… when your heart beats…
Her: Got it. Let me get Helga.
Tick-Tuck. Tick-Tuck. Tick-Tuck. Like a virgin, ooh, ooh… Like a virgin… Feels so good inside…
Helga: Hi, what’s the dog’s name?
AAAAAAHHHHHHH… AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH… All good. It’s just silent screaming in my head.
Me: Callie. With a C.
Helga: Was her rabies shot up to date?
Me: Yes. She got it last month. Here’s the paperwork.
Helga seemed to have trouble finding the word “Rabies” on the paper I provided. So, I waited. Callie barked thrice. She was getting impatient and I was feeling claustrophobic. The check-in place was very tiny. How tiny might you ask? Let’s just say two Oprah can fill up that space. OK?
Helga: Ooo-Kaaaeee… So, would you like the top dog package same as last time?
Me: Sure.
Helga: Do you treat fleas every month?
Me: No. She never had problems with fleas.
Helga: Was her rabies shot up to date?
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH… AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH… I AM IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE!!! LIKE A VIRGIN… TOUCHED FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME. LIKE A VIR ER ER ER GIN…
Helga: Was her rabies shot up to date?
Me: Yes. It’s here on the paper.
I pointed directly at the word, RABIES, for her to see.
Helga: Ooo-kaaaeee… I need you to sign here and date it.
I never signed my life away so fast.
Helga: Callie, let’s go on back. Gooooood girrrrrrl.
Me: Thank you.
Jingle HELL, jingle HELL, jingle all the waaeeeeee…