I knew I would turn out much better than my neighbors’ brats when we were growing up because I only played with Barbie and Ken.  Grandma always said that a good little boy played at home.  Only wild kids played outside.  So, Samantha, the brunette, and Monique, the blond, were my childhood best friends.  I changed their hair and clothes and took baths with them every day.  I also encouraged them to fight daily, too.  One day, they scratched each other’s eyes out literally.  No, they were not little girls.  They were dolls.  Whenever my mom wasn’t home, I wore her wig and sang and danced just like Liza Minelli did.  While I enjoyed the standing ovation and thunderous applause from my imaginary sold out audience at Madison Square, I asked the mirror on the wall, “Who is the fairest of all in the world?  It’s me, isn’t it?  I knew it all along.  Other kids are just so damn ugly.”

Originally appeared on ingredientx.com